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Just a Reason Why...

just a reason why...

How do I start or from which end do I begin? I plead you to consider for once that circumstances do matter and also the fact that mine aren’t in the best place right now. There is more than what meets the eyes but in this case when even eyes have ceased to meet, it’s really difficult to show what it has been for me.

Each and every one of your explanation/accusation has always fallen heavily over me and at times even drowned me for days in self-loathing. You talk about guilt over a trifle and tell me how bad you feel but then you don’t even think once whenever you push me into trepidation. I have no qualms about what you did and that should have shown my trust in you but you rather saw it as my indifference. How can I make you see my point when you aren’t ready to let go of yours. Well like you always say it takes two to clap….so maybe I’m just seeing my picture and I accept I have my list of faults. Maybe I’m missing something…and again you gladly take it as my inconsideration. This isn’t what I wanted to tell you….and because of all this it makes it really hard for me to say things that never even needed a thought before. It’s hard to say that I care, that I will and that I do …anymore. Not sure of myself anymore…coz it sounds so useless…meaning-less to my own ears and I can’t tell what you may be feeling when you hear it.

Funny? I cant bring myself to talk to you ….it takes too much…..i run out of things to say…cant even end my sentences….forget what I was saying. No matter what I say to you….your response makes it impossible for my reasons to be reasonable. Feel like I’m banging against this colossal cold wall that refuses to melt even when I’m crying my heart out to you…..but how could you rt? “you can’t feel it?” and all you see is your pain ….your tragedy….your loneliness……why are you the one whose always hurt? Why are you the one that feels the pain? Why are you the one who’s lonely? And I thought we were in this together. I have made a lot of mistakes but not a single one of them will be coz I distrusted you, was never because of you….you were always, almost perfect ….but in spite of all of my follies I always believed you would forgive me ….never thought you would make me a stranger. Never thought I failed you for every single time that I was forgiven.

If what I had said made you turn cold ….it’s because ….why do I explain? To whom….when you have already convinced both of us. And I sincerely accept it. When you call, whenever you do I forget everything…..the place, the time ….even the burning dish…..just to hear your voice, … I strain all my strength……just to hear you talk. Not to bear the silence and the blames. I told myself thousands of times that I deserved it, that it was coz of me that you abandoning me….blamed myself for all of it. And I still do. It has consumed me inside out for a long time now. Nothing I do can ever save me from this misery. This is what is left of me now …in perpetual haunting, and an endless emptiness. Still I can’t get through a day without thinking how I wronged you, all I’m left with is your accusations in my head….so what can I give you? It’s better if don’t say anything if you can’t. That would be lot easier to deal with rather than trying to make sense out of the few words you speak. Just want you to be ……may be I have lost it amid all this.

Words …hundreds of words…that’s all I seem to have but what can mere words do when the very essence of the relation seems to be engulfed in a sea of doubt, anger, and guilt. What more do I say? I just wish you were here……but what’s the use if my paths no longer cross with yours maybe it was wrong from the very first place…..guess I made a mistake that I will never be able to forgive myself for. There’s nothing left here anymore just dead words and broken hopes.

Maybe it was meant to be……or not meant to be. Just a matter of perception again.
Published: 2009-05-06
Author: 1abc 2ab

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