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Life's not a Bed of Roses

how much can one control ones own life?

In a life that has been more like a palanquin ride to various stages now I stand on the threshold to what beholds my future…..its a known fact that we fear the unknown more than fear itself so its easy to just shut our eyes and keep floating in our self made oasis but it takes real courage to embrace our faults and weaknesses. Like its said courage is not the absence of fear but the will overcome it, which I agree is easier said than done.

I had a hard time trying to figure out why everything was happening the way it was; now I wonder what do I do, when it has ceased to bother me. Never really thought how I tried to control my life because this emptiness I feel inside portrays how I had held on to lots of things which have disappeared leaving its grim traces all over my memory. What else have I lost? The equivocal statements about life, love and other theories and notions I had before…. sounds too vague for my own ears to believe it now.

At this stage I realize that my heroes were nothing more than ghosts and that my convictions were mere accumulation of prejudices i.e what we commonly call the “common sense”. Despite the prescient of my own decisions I still have the hope that no matter how incorrigible my notions are, I believe I can placate my thoughts, my doubts into what I can wake up with everyday without suffocating myself. It’s neither the consummate relation nor the complete realization of wishes or whims, such things never caught my fancy. I don’t have much clue of what I really aspire / desire. It’s not that easy to write what I want however I find it much easer to write what I hate, dislike and about my fears rather than my strengths. Ironical, life always is i.e if you don’t naively believe life is “fair”.

We embark on a journey the minute we know what we do reciprocates itself which is mostly unpredictable making it interesting and also the fact that we can retain memories. It doesn’t register in our conscious mind as we live through each of our days before we realize that we have a past, a history and that projects us into the future. I do not deprecate romantics/sentimentalists though I find it hard to follow their lines. Being a realist, it doesn’t deprive a person of being affectionate nor does is prove that the facts of life registers in her/his mind better than others’. The difference I believe is it matters to the latter. To believe in angels and demons is mere choice and chance of ones own environment and exposure not a congenital brand one is born with. I know life isn’t a bed of roses however I don’t go looking for the thorns! It’s very difficult for me to bare my scars and wounds, however I do not wear it as a shield. But some wounds are too deep and some regrets too recent to be buried and be forgotten with. There are too many conflicting facts in life just to be easily answered and very few reasons to believe in. no matter how much pain one may endure it vanishes the moment the cause is established. Does this mean that the outcome erases all the torture and pain one bears all the way?
Published: 2009-05-05
Author: 1abc 2ab

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