On a Saturday afternoon in July in 1982, I attended an outdoor wedding. If it could go wrong it did. It will be remembered by all that attended as the Outdoor wedding horror story. Had I not actually been there, I would not believe all that occurred that special day.
The wedding was at the groom's parents ranch in Missouri. A lovely home with a pool, gardens, groves of trees, and the livestock. The ceremony was held on the west side of their home looking out over a lush field of green. Three hundred white chairs aligned a flower draped aisle for the bride and groom to exchange their vows. Horses frolicking and cows grazing in the distance made a beautiful picture for the event. It had rained earlier that morning and the ground was still damp and moist.
Arriving with gift in hand, we were escorted to the pool area. The finishing touches were being placed on the six tier wedding cake, as we placed our present on the gift table. A very nice young man attempted to usher us to are seats. The morning showers had proved to be just enough rain to form small puddles and mud in the gardens. Every woman in heels was sinking into the ground as soon as she made a single step. Each man had mud covering their dress shoes and pant legs. It was just the beginning.
The sun was strong and bearing down at exactly two o'clock when the ceremony began. We were later told the temperature hit 102 degrees that afternoon. The humidity from the rain lingered in the air as the music began. A drunk groom, several groomsmen, and a pastor stood waiting for the bride to appear. Beautiful flowers were beginning to wilt as the flower girl and ring bearer walked down the aisle. The bridesmaids slowly sank in mud as they made their way to the alter. Standing for the bride, the sweating guests were relieved to have an opportunity to move.
Dressed in her mother's wedding dress of heavy satin and nine foot train, the bride was a vision in white. Her father dripping in perspiration held her arm as they descended down the aisle. Ten steps from her destination, she sank in the mud and could not be budged. Smiling for the world to see, she made several attends to dislodge her footing before she went toppling over. The beautiful bride was now a picture on white satin and brown mud.
When the gasps subsided and the bride was given to the groom the vows were begun. The pastor was a visiting relative. He was a talker. A man that was not bothered by the heat. Twenty minutes in to his rambling, the ring bearer wet his pants. Thirty minutes in, the groom became sick at his stomach. We will never know if it was the alcohol, the smell of urine, or the heat that caused him to vomit. But, vomit he did.
An hour into the ceremony, the horses has stopped frolicking and the cows had moved to see what all the excitement was about. At three thirty that hot day, three hundred guests witnessed a bull servicing his herd behind the bride and groom. I do not recall if the laughter started then or when the ushers jumped the fence to stop the commotion. The vows were finally concluded at four o'clock as the Budweiser truck came blowing his horn done the lane.
Suit jackets all removed, hair flat and wet from the heat, and drying mud on the feet of the less than happy crowd was making for a dreary start to the reception. The crowd moved from the garden to the pool to find a surprise awaiting them. There sitting in the sun was a six tier wedding cake with melted icing dripping from the layers. All that remained of the masterpiece was a very perky looking bride and groom figure sitting onto.
The bride was crying as they cut the dried out cake, the groom was feeling better as he slammed down cold Budweisers, and the guests were happy as the food was served. While the bride was getting her dress cleaned up for photos, the men in the wedding party were having their pictures taken. Standing in front of the pool with drinks hidden in hand, stood the groom, the groom's father, and the bride's father. The photographer was adjusting the groom's collar as a scream erupted. A large flock of birds had flown overhead depositing a white runny gift on a near by table. The ladies scream had startled the photographer enough to lose her balance. Thus, the tuxedo clad gentlemen and the photographer all fell into the pool.
The wedding portraits were taken after the honeymoon, needless to say. The reception would have had more classic moments, I am sure ,had it not been cut short. On that hot, muggy, and memorable day it began to rain as the bride danced with her father. It was a fitting conclusion to the outdoor wedding horror. To those of us that actually attended the wedding that hot July day and their 25th wedding anniversary this year, it is simply referred to as the bull sex wedding.